Empty Room, Full Of People

It’s really hard being an outgoing introvert…but that’s not what this post is completely about. I’ll get to that in a minute.
I think my life looks like arcs bouncing on a straight line that is moving forward. So often am I moving forward, but certain people in my life keep reappearing.

I’ve abandoned the thought of trying to help everyone, because after realizing that helping everyone actually helps no one, it seemed so trivial to waste myself away for the sake of a person that could care less if I keeled over on the side of the street in a ditch.

Also, as a 20-something year old, our friend mix is really bizarre for the most part. You ask yourself, do I stay friends with the people from high school because we have so many memories together that make it strong and special, do I move on and find friends and stick with them because I’ve changed so much since school, or do you intertwine both lives together? Do you just balance them?

Here’s where I bring all of those random thoughts above, together.

I think certain people reappear in my life because they’ve made such an impact on me, and hopefully I’ve made some sort of impact on them. They reappear because God decided they needed something from me or vice versa. I mean, why else would they decide, out of the blue, to be in contact again or just somehow reappear back into view? While I enjoy the company of my school friends a lot, I’ve been through much more personal things with my friends from college that I find it easier to feel closer to them even though I’m not as close to them as I am my school friends.

This is where the story begins. My boyfriend’s birthday was this weekend and we all had a get together on Sunday.

In group settings where there are more than three people in a room or area, I have to kind of back away and just observe. I don’t want to use my energy to interact with all of the people in the room, even if I do know every single one of them. I watch my extrovert boyfriend easily talk with everyone and it just stresses me out, so I comfortably sit down and begin to “people watch”.

There’s one particular friend that I don’t see at all, honestly, but once again life has us running into each other. Of course, we do have mutual friends. He’s my boyfriend’s best friend, and when I was still in undergrad with him, we were best friends. For a time, I believe he had feelings of something more, but it was something I never quite addressed. For the sake of privacy, we’ll call him AR.

To me, AR is really strange. I don’t mean that in a bad way. More than once he’s deleted me off of friends lists and blocked me on other social media even though nothing hostile (that I can think of) happened between us. He definitely keeps his distance too, which I respect, because I think he does so out of respect for my boyfriend too. It’s fun to talk to AR because he is someone who loves books as much as I do and when AR does talk, he’s fairly good at conversation.

Well, I observed him since he’s more of the introvert type that finds a chair to sit and stay out of the way too. The first things I inferred were that he was sad, he was confused, and he had a lot to think about. What exactly, I’m not sure. But I could see he was observing the area with much detail. On a previous night, he passionately talked about how life was kind of just bringing him down in many different senses. My boyfriend and I offered our thoughts and I’m not sure if we could have said anything to make it better other than make logical, positive connections.

Something else that struck me as odd is that he’s trying to completely erase the person he used to be. I don’t know who he is now. Out of curiosity today (and because she posted a selfie on Instagram), I asked if he still talked to her (her, being an ex of his). It definitely struck a chord that was a place in his thoughts I wasn’t allowed. Or anyone for that matter.

Again, there was a time when everyone had gone downstairs and outside to shuffle the cars around since people were leaving, and he was just quietly in obvious, deep thought. I halfheartedly asked if he wanted to talk because he looked like he was brooding, but I halfheartedly asked because I knew the answer was no. And the answer was no.

So, I just let it go. I try to be more rational when it comes to me trying to pry into a quiet person’s mind to get them to open up and drop whatever is burdening their shoulders. You see, I live for that. I love doing that. I love talking to people and helping them get rid of that weight. However, as I grow older I know my place; And this is not my place for that, as much as it saddens me to see an old friend feeling the way he does.

I mean, I have to let it go. It’s frustrating to someone like me. I choose who I spend my energy on wisely and much of it goes to my boyfriend. When I see a friend in need, I naturally want to help. I want to let go of some of my energy into helping them. Besides, nothing makes me more satisfied than to get quiet people to talk. I love quiet people, and it’s usually how I choose who to talk to.

I could just tell that AR felt like he was in an empty room despite it being full of people. Sure, it might just be a small rut that he’s in. Only he and God knows for sure.

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